November is National Family Caregiver Month. This is an opportunity to acknowledge those unsung heroes and celebrate what they provide for others. Many might think, “I could never do that; they are so strong.” The truth is it’s not about strength, but the willingness to step up when needed.
Nearly every person either is a family caregiver or knows somebody who is. Did you know that we all step into that caregiver role at some point in our life?
This month, I would like to touch on different types of caregivers and their potential needs. CarePower Connect is committed to supporting you no matter where you are on your journey or if you want to share with a current family caregiver in need.
What type of caregiving have you witnessed or provided?
Family caregiving is isolating. Every stage of life requires a family member to provide support for another. Many times, this is not a role that you have volunteered for but rather are thrown into. Family caregiving can be related to an illness, an addiction, or a disability. It is not dependent on age — there are people who are caregivers for their parents, their grandchildren, their siblings, and so on.
There’s multitude of challenges related to family caregivers, but right now I’ll be focusing on the most prevalent issues I’ve encountered over the years, being dysfunctional family caregiving and caregiver creep.
Dysfunctional Family Caregiving
This refers to a child needing to regularly provide practical or emotional support that is normally provided by a parent. This phenomenon, often referred to as “parentification,” can occur in families dealing with substance abuse, untreated mental health issues, poverty, or parents with self-absorbed behavioral patterns.
This can have a negative long-term impact on adulthood. If this is your experience, it is not uncommon to have a difficult time setting boundaries or be unable to rest and connect with your inner child. You may frequently be told, “Why are you always so serious?” or “You act like you have the world on your shoulders.”
The best approach to dealing with this type of family caregiving is through a licensed medical health professional that deals with childhood trauma, codependency, and chronic stress.
Another common challenge related to family caregiving is when an adult caregiver needs to deal with the additional burden of family conflict. Not every family member steps up to help in a meaningful way, and yet everyone has their own opinion on the best way to provide care.
Common issues that should be addressed:
Who has the final say on major decisions
The emotional baggage that all the family members carry into the survivor’s room
Unequal distribution responsibilities (for example, some family members who live farther away can’t help as much)
Dealing with communication issues and setting boundaries
The best approach for the primary family caregiver is remembering that you cannot control the behavior of others. Also, keep in mind that doing everything doesn’t equal loving that person more — don’t be ashamed to seek support outside the family.
Finally, be kind to each other. Everyone processes these differently and at their own pace. If someone in the family is particularly vocal about what they feel should be done, ask them to cover for you to see if their approach works.
Caregiver Creep
Caregiver Creep happens gradually — before you know it, you’re providing round-the-clock care for a loved one. It starts very simple, with things like taking a parent to a doctor's appointment. Soon, you’re managing medications, preparing meals, handling finances, coordinating with other family members, responding to late-night calls, and becoming the person who everyone expects to solve every problem.
What is the best approach to dealing with this?
Figure out exactly how much time you find yourself dedicating to these responsibilities, and whether or not it’s sustainable in the long run.
Determine why and how you’ve ended up in this position. Is it guilt, pressure from others, or the feeling that no one else can handle this as well as you can?
Set boundaries with your loved one. This may seem harsh, but it’s for the best — the more things you do for them, the less independent they become. I’ve said this before, and it bears repeating: the person receiving care only becomes a “burden” when they don’t do the things they’re still capable of doing on their own.
Stop being the “default” family caregiver. Talk to the rest of the family to let them know what to provide and how they can help lighten your burden. It’s important to let them determine what they can do rather than you doing so for them.